lost the plot

Posted: November 5, 2019 by Mo Crow in It's Crow Time

a very tight attempt at making a loose patch following Jude Hill’s Patchwork in Perspective parts 1 & 2
on this bad moon rising I have thrown in the towel, for the first time this century I am feeling lost with my artwork, the drawings are flat and the stitching is getting so tight I need to use pliers to pull the needle through, a few things have worked since the dream but most simply don’t. If I can’t find my way out of this hole by March next year I will cancel the Sayonara Sydney show that is scheduled at Artsite for March 2021 when I will turn 66 & be eligible for the Age Pension. We’re still gardening for a living here in the Big Smoke whilst dreaming of moving to the Blue Mountains, looking forward to breathing fresh air, making whatever art and music happens and going bushwalking every day… one day… in the not too faraway…
“Memory is a landscape watched from a moving train”
p 139 The Book of Chameleons by José Eduardo Agualusa

NB these small patches are made with some loose planets bought from Jude Hill’s Threadcrumbs shop last year & backed with linen indigo and pomegranate dyed & screenprinted by Ulrike Bogdan

Comments
  1. Nanette says:

    (( Mo)) The Mountain Dream is a precious one. Namaste

  2. ravenandsparrow says:

    Are these embroideries Jude-inspired play or are they linked to the doily direction you received from your friend at the gallery? Either way, I’m getting a sense of you being forced into something you can’t give your whole self to. Being nudged into discomfort can be a way to expand, but I’m wondering if there is a dam in this river and you need to go deeper or re-think. Just a guess from a thousand miles away. I know you will do what you need to do in the end.

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((Dana))) thank you for these good words, I need to recalibrate, loosen up and get back to the drawing board but for now I will make the annual run of xmas cards to keep my hands busy whilst my mind freewheels turning on this line from ‘The psychology of wearing stripes” in Helen Garner’s ‘Stories’
      “Even as I write my story I am aware that I am nowhere near the point of this, that the point recedes from me as I write, that I should be writing about something else.”

  3. Eliene St. Romain says:

    ohh I like this Mo, tho I do hear your frustration. This too, shall pass. The energies are building….I can remember a very special lady telling me that when I was in a funk.

  4. grace says:

    can offer possibilities, but it’s only the one inside you that will break you loose.
    But will offer this one. When the Longing to go, the knowing of the Need to go gets
    to a point, it begins pushing. Like something getting born. And it’s not “nice”, but
    there’s no turning back. And the Blue Mountains seem so far now, and ARE far.
    But your heart is there already. The last period of time before the Freedom of
    “old age” is granted….not an easy time.
    BIG LOVE, Mo.

  5. Lana says:

    My dear friend, don’t despair. You have so much talent it will only be a matter of time before you become inspired again. Maybe trying something completely different might reignite something in your soul. But never give up.

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((Lana))) nothing is working artwise but the good thing about still gardening for a living is it helps with centreing and grounding the heart and soul as well as keeping a roof over our heads and food in the bellies

      • Lana says:

        Mo gardening is what makes me human. It is a place where I can be myself, forget about everything else and touching the earth connects me with the Universe. I’m sure you’ll get some inspiration from being in the garden. If it helped you through the time you were dealing with cancer, it surely will help you reconnect with your art.

        • Mo Crow says:

          (((Lana))) when I left the Botanic Gardens at the end of 1993 Rod and I started MeMo Garden Services, then in 1996 I bought out his partner in The Happy Triffid indoor plant hire. The gardening keeps a roof over our heads, helps support the art and music & keeps us both almost sane but must say I am looking forward to retiring, dreaming of just pottering around in a wild garden in the Blue Mountains, going bushwalking every day & making whatever art and music falls out of our hands!

  6. John Sutton says:

    Hang in there Mo, your time is coming!
    There’s always a holiday bed here for you anytime. Plenty of inspiration in this neck of the woods.
    Your art will come tumbling out when it’s ready.
    Throw some bright paint at a big sheet of paper in the meantime, it might let some frustration out.

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((John))) I look forward to sitting in the clouds up there with you & Jen taking in your spectacular view of the caldera & I may well have a go at throwing some paint around!

  7. Marti says:

    You know what Mo, it is ok to lose the plot; to take this time to exhale, to put down the drawing pen, the needle and thread and slowly go about your days for they do have a direction but the signpost got a little twisted when Rod became ill…takes time to adjust to an unforeseen detour but make no mistake, the map is laid out, the markers are there, your creativity has a breadth and depth that is ever present, even when it seems as if it is biding time. 2021 seems so far away and yet with each day, the Blue Mountains become closer. Let each day unfold with what comes.

    The Dream was an incredible, extraordinary time in your life, you opened the gates and the world came in for your vision and call was so clear and inclusive. Sayonara Sydney is an entirely different experience. It is a singular vision of what you love about this place that you have called home for so many years. An homage to a city, a fond farewell time, a moving on time. SO maybe you simply need more time to let your goodbyes float to the surface while realizing that when we love a place, we never truly leave it, it lives within us. Your creativity knows this for it comes from a deep place within you and it is saying, no rush, let things rise for they will when it is time, and you will know when it is time but for now, with love I say to you, let yourself simply be, for a time.

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((Marti))) Rod is not feeling too good today, he has to go on antibiotics for a flare up with the infection in the kidney, it needs to be clear for the surgery on the 22nd when the urologist will laser blast the kidney stone to smithereens and take the stent out & thanks for helping me let myself off the hook, you are a treasure!

  8. Saskia says:

    (((Mo))) As you know, I know from personal experience how ill health and worries about loved ones being ill affects one! ….don’t be too hard on yourself is all I can add to all that has been said here and sometimes letting go is the best course forward….many hugs xxx

  9. Liz A says:

    the stitching looks vibrant through the ether and the first one especially puts me in mind of Old Man
    Crow’s mended jacket … but if they aren’t singing to you, that’s what truly matters and I’m saddened by your sense of feeling lost

    there is much wisdom in the comments so I will simply add my best well wishes to both you and Rod … peace be with you

  10. Acey says:

    (((Mo))) It’s so difficult for creatives to weather the inevitable spells of no spark. And especially challenging to concurrently navigate life’s unexpected zig zags without that faithful companion/brightest part of your soul providing ballast. But then. When it comes back. !!! Talk about Crow Time …

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((Acey))) there is great freedom in this letting go and time for reconsidering what it is that I want to say and do with the rest of this “one wild and precious life” to quote Mary Oliver

  11. Carol says:

    Dearest Mo, the comments here are so filled with love for you and Rod. I could never express myself so beautifully as your friends have done but you are in my thoughts and heart. ((((Mo)))) Big hugs to you both.

  12. Louise Watson says:

    In times of stress i turn to knitting or making something practical. they are not bad, just not your normal amazing self. Take heart, it always comes back. Make cards, do some drawing and look after the man. All will be well.

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((Louise))) the xmas cards are an annual meditation, bought the paper yesterday at Parkers, my favourite art supply shop in town. Will start printing them this morning after another cup of coffee & want to make a singlet dress for summer out of one of the XXL Old Man Crow T-shirts, the silly season is upon us!

  13. Hazel says:

    Oh, Mo, I’m sorry things are hard and not flowing for you. It is a familiar feeling over here. I imagine that “The Dream” used every bit of your soul and body to pull it together, and with Rod’s illness, you must be running on empty. Wishing you both peace, rest, beauty, and energy to refill your drained and weary spirits. oxo

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((Hazel))) feeling so much more settled with letting the stitching go for now & getting going on the xmas cards, have cut the list in half to 88 as the cost of postage overseas has soared!

  14. nancy krampf says:

    I am in the exact place. nothing works,many unfinished fiber things. am going out collecting sticks and rocks, and tell myself ok there is a reason, spirit will provide an answer when it is time.

    With peace ,healing light ,and love,nancy k

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((Nancy))) going to my favourite art supply shop yesterday and then getting started on the annual xmas cards has turned the tide, feeling much better today about life, the universe and everything. Sometimes we have to make a mess to break new ground, here’s a link to Michael Leunig’s wry and wise article Into the Unknown

  15. jude says:

    just going, feeling change, can be art enough, sharing the truth in that. love.

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((Jude))) you are the queen of just going through all the ups and downs, the thicks & thins that life throws at you, you even stitched through that hurricane by candlelight!

  16. Nancy says:

    J. always tell me ‘this will pass’. Sometimes that sinks in. Big Love to you as you navigate a way back “home”

  17. deemallon says:

    so much love here for you and well-deserved. I’m sorry this is a tough time and those who point to the stress of Rod’s illness seem wise. You will feel better when he feels better. Your agida feels bigger than just not liking a thing or two you’ve made, so maybe this won’t feel responsive — but when I’ve made something I don’t like, it is soooooo liberating to let it go. Just say NO to it. Cut it up or throw it out.

    But what I’m sensing here is that you and Rod are entering a period of really big transition and the ick-work feelings are mere symptoms of deeper change — change that will ultimately reward and enlighten. I just know it.

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((Dee))) the wheels of change are happening bigtime with the ominous sound of the 24/7 machinery especially at the quiet time in the small hours of the morning of the 8 lane freeway that is going right under our wobbly old house very soon is discombobulating as well as all the other things going on but it’s the silly season, making the xmas cards & dancing with the spirits of place last night was such good magic!

      • deemallon says:

        Oh dear how ghastly. That alone would be unnerving.

        • Mo Crow says:

          the real estate agent did the biannual inspection on Thursday we got him to photograph all the cracks to keep a record of movement for the owner, so happy to be renting as we can just move on if the house falls down & it may well, the tunnelling will be 32 metres down under sandstone bedrock, the height of a good size tree!

  18. perlhuhn52 says:

    O Mo, I can understand that you feel lost at the moment. When certainty fades away – yout trust in your abilities the health of a loved one. A bit like an emotional quicksand. Sometimes it only helps to go with it and give you the time to feel the ground again. It will come and then you can continue with a new view on things a new security. Be patient and loving to yourself. I wish you all the best.

    • Mo Crow says:

      (((Doris))) thank you for these good words, Rod is feeling a lot better since he finished the course of strong antibiotics on Sunday for the flare up of the kidney infection he is looking forward to the kidney stone getting blasted to smithereens and the stent removed on the 22nd, x fingers he’ll be feeling all better by xmas!

      • perlhuhn52 says:

        Good to hear Mo. Fingers crossed that all turnes out well. But what about the fire near Sidney ? terrible pics on the tv. Are you safe?

        • Mo Crow says:

          the air is smoky here in the inner city of Sydney from the fires on the outskirts and up and down the coast, one artist friend nearly lost his house at Woodford in the Blue Mountains on Saturday, the firefighters saved it & more fires have broken out over night but the temperatures have dropped and the wind is from the south which will hopefully help. Here in the middle of the city we are safe but it does give us pause for thought as we want to move to the Blue Mountains when I am old enough to get the Age Pension in March 2021, figuring renting a 100 year old cottage a few blocks back from the edge of the bush will be a good idea for two old hippies!

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